Really Really Real

She was 51.

Too young.

There are still days that I just cannot believe that my sister is gone. (6 months later)

In our childhood innocence and in our naïve adulthood, I think we believed we would all grow old together and maybe even die at the exact same time.

The smack of “now there are only 4 of us” hits me every day.

When I think about making sure something gets communicated to the family, there’s always that nagging feeling that I have forgotten someone.

When someone asks me how many siblings I have, it’s hard to answer that now. I haven’t “perfected” or decided how my response should come out.

And then there is the matter of selecting a gravestone. I know. . .maybe we already did that, right? Um, no. It’s hard. It’s all hard. Surreal.

So. . .it’s been decided what type of stone.

Now. . .when will I go and take care of that little detail? I really don’t wanna. Not so much. Cuz that will make it really really real. Again.

Not Perfect

Sitting in the house where I grew up.

Nobody here but me.

Random music selection:  Simple Plan’s “Perfect” (Lyric sample: “Hey, Dad, look at me. Think back and talk to me. Did I grow up according to plan? …. I’m never gonna be good enough for you….I’m sorry I can’t be perfect.”) (And wow. . .I didn’t realize I liked Simple Plan.)

And then I glance at a photo of my parents. Happy and proud mom and dad at my youngest brother’s wedding. Looking in their faces, however, I am wont to reminisce about how I wasn’t perfect.

I was often told while growing up that I had big thighs. “Saddle bags” to be exact.  And criticized for my love of cake—sure to make me an especially big fat-ass.

I wasn’t perfect, but pictures of me during those times would tell the story that I was a hot piece of ass. Too bad I didn’t know it. Nobody ever told me I was beautiful. (that I remember, anyway) I might have used that to my advantage in the world. Or not. I had social anxiety, but that’s a whole other topic.

I wasn’t perfect. I am not perfect. But I now know I was and am beautiful. So there.